Single in AK

OMFG I'm not SIngle anymore!!!

2005-08-31T11:58:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if you read this at all Chad, but if you do, forgive me, but I'm venting..

So let's see here.. I met him around July 22ish.. I went to hang out and have soem beers with some guys from work, why.. well most of the people that I click with the most are men. So there I was with 6 guys and me. That's when I met "HIM", my knight in shining armor, the man that I've waited for my whole life, the man i was searching for, the man that should be my husband. Yeah your asking yourself, shit I ask myself constantly.. how do I know I feel this way after knowing him for such a short period of time. Most of the people you ask that are married, and truly happy, will say that when they met their spouse that they just knew.. after the second date, after the first week, and some have even said the first date. Ok so I pretty much felt it after the 3 day I met him. I really do believe that he is the one.
He has a blog on another site, I read it, and today was one of those days I wish I hadn't. Most of his blogs are tear jerkers, they literally make me cry, cause they are so heartfelt, so meaningful, so fucking romantic. Today's Blog was none of those, well meaningful, cause there is meaning by it. It has to mean something.. now I know why he was so distant when he picked m up from work, he wanted to talk about it, but couldn't. He probably kept himself awake thinking about it. You knwo and I now I have so many mixxed emotions about the whole thing, not sure what to think, but most of what I can think is that, I've been way too honest with him. He may go back out on the road for work and all. From his Blog it sounds like he doesn't trust me if he were to go on the road. You know.. if I was just 4 years younger, and not swept me off my feet, he may have a reason to not trust me. But FUCK! he has sooo swept me off my feet.. there isn't any way that I would ruin this. He's the man I want to marry, I'm not going to cheat on him. I'm not going to get weak. I'm not interested in sleeping with, having sex with, fucking or whatever, with any man ever again. I told him that he had nothing to worry about if he went out on the road, I told him that my life is completely different now, I have so many things that can keep me occupied that I don't need to find a man to have sex with. Shit I barely went out on dates before I met him, what makes him think that I want to now? How do I know that I can trust him? well I do trust him, I trust his love for me, I trust OUR love.. I trust the words he says, I trust him when he wraps his arms around me, I trust his kisses.. he was just as bad as I was in the past.. why does it have to follow me..
If you read this Honey.. I just want to tell you the same thing I have told you many times.. the reason I am Okay with you going out on the road is that I have so much time to wait for you, I've waited 32 years you, I can wait another year. I trust our love!
Not to mention " $$$$ "
and the " MONEY "
let me rephrase it " DINERO "

I wish I knew how else I could prove that I won't stray, How else can I tell you how much I love you. How else can I make you completely happy? You do this and more to me!!!

Time passes...

2005-06-23T07:34:00.000-08:00

So still single, still lonely, still feeling worthless.Just a brief recap, still sleeping with 2 married men very very seldom. Still talking to, but it has been months since I've slept with the 25 year old,he has a small penis, and he is always leaving me hanging so I figure I'll keep him dangling in the wings in the case I get really really desperate.The netherlands guy left me on the curb,at least I don't have to see him at work anymore, since he moved to a different spot at work. So I'ev pretty much stopped fantasizing about him. I still seldom sleep with my boss from work, who isn't my boss from work, or even work with me at all anymore. I will have to think of a different nickname for him.My one girlfriend thinks he's a major pig, so maybe that will be his name. and he is kinda chubby, well he's the only man that I've ever been with that has weighed 200+, probably 250,and he's not real tall, just a big boy,played football in college and high school, and he is such a big-headed drunk, that he seems to fight when he goes to the bars.
As far as the ex goes, seems he has changed his phone number completely. I catch myself calling him about once a month, but this last time, his Nephew called back. Informed me that my ex got a new number,and had given him his old one.I find this very interesting.Did he do this so that I wouldn't be able to contact him at all? Did he do this so that some other girl would completely stop calling him? I figure that his nephew will tell him that I called the old number,and if he wanted me to have his new number he would contact me somehow.So 2 days have gone by and no contact of his number, so either way, he has stopped contact with me a long time ago. i'm doing much better though, I don't cry myself to sleep at all anymore.I did break down and ask his dad what i should do, his dad had the nerve to tell me to stay in contact with the ex,but not be too pushy and that maybe he would wise up and realize what we had.I don't know why somthing like that would give me some hope, do i even really want him back? As time passes and I get older I think that I want to settle down, get married,have kids, share my house with a man,share the responsiblites of my house and life with a man. Then I go out drinking and dancing and having fun,flirting with everyone, making other men jealous.. and I think, I'm still young, no kids, no obligations,I jsut need to live life and have fun.
I'm actually doing alright,my phone is starting ring more often. I have a roommate now,at least it feels like I am pulling myself out of some debt,I can afford to start having some fun again. I can also afford to start fixing things around my house.and doesn't interior design jsut make you feel all warm and mushy inside. Well as far as the love life goes, there is no love, but alot of clean safe, kinky sex... if there is anyone that makes my heart beat faster its my pig of a boss.

Unfinished

2005-05-12T08:34:00.000-08:00

I wish I knew what it is that I do that drives the men away. I put my singles add back up, I jsut get soo bored at times. I got a lot of replys, I've replied to some of them, not all of them. Most of the replys are men that either have children, or are just too old for my taste. I met this one that is 33, no kids, and a camping type of guy. We met for coffee one morning,and from what I think, we hit it off , he even asked me to make plans with him again the next day. So the next day we went 4-wheeling,and hiking up to a glacier, it was a lot of fun, he made a prety decent lunch, he had even brought a blanket in the case we had a picnic lunch. Again, I thought we hit it off really well, we have a lot in common.

When will the Pain go Away!

2005-04-01T07:27:00.000-09:00

I sit here and convince myself that I am over him, that I don't need him, that I'm better off without him. But why do I still think of him? And my thinking is that of loss and sorrow... Loneliness...
I find myself playing the game that I know he plays.. hoping that he will notice me? Keeping track of where he is at? Thinking that if he is playing the game then he's not with another woman?
What the Hell? Why do I Torture myself?
I've been good I haven't called him in about a month now.

Letting Go

2005-03-30T06:41:00.000-09:00

Letting Go
by Shirley

There's nothing but the good country surrounding me. The
moon is shining brightly over the tree tops and its reflection
on the water is such a beautiful sight. This is a perfect
place for two people who are in love ...

As I sit here thinking about all the time I have wasted,
just sorting out my life -- I never really realized what
loneliness was until you were gone. It seemed as though
things were going so good until one day you left without a
single trace. All of our plans for the future were
shattered. There was to be no more of you and I together.
You were gone, gone forever. I still remember the times we
shared, but slowly these memories are going too. One day
they'll be gone just like you ...

I'm trying desperately to find you and bring you back to me.
I dream about you every day and pray that you'll come back,
but it's hopeless. There's no use in pretending, cause deep
down in my heart I know you've found another. Someone to take
my place, someone who'll love you -- but never like I loved
you. And even though you've found another, I'll be true to
you, even though you've asked me not to ...

My life seems so meaningless now. I'm useless - why was I
ever placed on this earth? What purpose do I serve? None,
none whatsoever. People tell me that another will come along
and take your place, but where is he? Who is he? Sometimes
I feel like giving up on life, on love, on everything, but I
can't. My spirits won't let me. I must go on - with or
without you. The things that ever really meant anything to
me are gone - vanished - never to come back to me again. All
I have left now is my dignity, but slowly that is slipping
away too ...

I have to get a grip on myself -- I can't let this get me
down. Life must go on. Maybe it's good that the memories are
going, maybe then I can go on with my life as meaningless as
it seems now. I don't hold it against you because you left
me. It's like they always say, "Let him go and if he really
loves you, he'll come back to you." But it's not that
simple, now is it? The only way to having true love is to
realize that someday it may be lost. Believe me, I realized
that a long time ago ...

The funny thing about all of this is if you were to come
back - I actually don't believe I would take you back. I
don't deserve such pain and torture. If you left me once,
you could do it again ...

Goodbye, my long lost love - maybe we'll meet again some day.

I only wish I could write poems that good, mine would be filled with something along the lines of blood or guts..
But I will say when I read this poem it hit home, and that's how I feel most of the time..
Why do I wake up every morning.. how can I wake up? what am I waking up for?

Giving up..

2005-03-21T03:04:00.000-09:00

Well, I've decided since my cell phone has gotten shut off finally, to just give up. I'll deal with the men that are in my life now and that treat me right. I took my profiles off the singles sites that I had online. The men that have my home number are ones that don't call all that often, and probably only 1 booty call that calls me. And that's the 25yr. old, and I've known since day 1 that he is just that, a booty call, I've asked him to go to the movies once, but it was out of complete desperation, and I even told him that, i figured we have been friends for long enough that he would say yes, but he didn't, so that was the first(and last) time I called and asked him to do anything besides sex.

On St. Patricks day, the 25 year old called me at home, unitl I answered, he knew I was off work, he called after leaving the local Meat Market (Koots). He was drunk enough.. so after the phone rang and rang, I finally picked up, he came over within the next 30 minutes. Sadly enough, I could have had a V8,why do I even go there? Anyway, I checked my cell phone messages the next day,and DAMN it if I didn't get another booty call, and that would have totally been worth it. It was my uumm.. my Boss (booty call) from awhile back, and what I mean by awhile back, is he hasn't called me since December 3rd. And I'm pretty sure he stopped calling cause he knew I was falling for him. He probably knew cause I told him. His message said that he wanted me to come over,(ofcourse) but he said that "we could make up" wonder what that's suppossed to mean? I mean I know he was drunk, really drunk, he had gone out drinking with the 25 year old, that night.I sent him an E-Mail earlier that week, he hadn't responded, but I basically told him in the E-Mail that I still wanted him... so maybe that was his way of responding to what I said. I Don't know, Shall I leave my self available from now on in Friday's and Saturday's? his days off?
I wish I knew..

Well.. I'm waiting for my knight in shining armor.. do I have fun while I wait? Or shoudl I just sit at home and feel sorry for myself? I'm sure my knoght will come eventually.. lets hoep anyway..

Letter to the Ex.

2005-03-20T06:02:00.000-09:00

Vince,
I am pretty sure I know why you haven't called me back. I'm pretty sure you have a girlfriend or some one that is taking up your time,or someone that is on your mind. You were a very faithful man, and I'm sure your doing the same to her. Well to that I say "FUCK YOU", before I even moved out, we had that huge fight in the car, when you said that you were ready to be single again, and date, but you said that you didn't want to call it the end. Even when I was packing up and moving out, you still didn't want to call it the end. This song is for you..."FUCK YOU" . After 5 years of living a life that I thought I had found my soul mate, my Husband, my life.. you wake up one day and say to yourself, that maybe I'm not the one? It then took you another 5 months to even tell me that. After you told me that I wasn't the one, I then said that I needed to decide what I needed to do, I found a place to live, and was ready to start my new life with or without you. Stupid me, thinking that maybe you would see the light and just move with me, I even told you that getting a place outside of your mother's house would make me happy for a few years and marriage would be on the back burner. What I didn't realize or want to realize is that, you weren't ready to grow up and pay bills, who knows when you will be ready to. When will you start paying your own bills? Your 30 years old, still living at home, your mother buys your food, your mother pays for your insurance, your mother bought your truck, your mother basically pays for the clothes on your fucking back. I should have known from the first date, since I paid.

Since we have been apart I've gotten settled into my own house all by myself. I can't say I'm completely happy, I still cry at night about once a month, but that's understandable, and liveable for right now. I went and saw my parents, and I see old friends, and they say that I seem a different person now, a happier person. Some say I still seem depressed, but that's mainly when I'm asked about you, and how I'm handling it. I'm good if I'm not talking about you. But I am happy that I am concentrating on ME, and only ME, making myself happy, being independent, that was one of things about me that you fell in love with, the fact that I was independent.

I don't need you, I still love you, but I don't need you. I'm happier beign lonely alone, than being lonely with you in the same room. If you never feel the love for me again like you did before, I will survive. If we never get the chance to dance again, I will survive. If you fall in love with someone else, and marry her, I will survive.

Do you ask for Tacos when you go to McDonalds?

2005-03-13T12:19:00.000-09:00

Well do you? In the place that I work, thousands probably more go there everyday, yeah probably more, but I only deal with about 20 or so. And for some reason they are all Idiots! For all you idiots out there, I would suggest Reading signs, and looking around before you ask, and not to mention "Yes there are stupid questions." So this person asks me if he can have Taco's at Mcdonalds right, well I listen to his question, ask him to repeat it, he does and goes more into detail of what he wants, kinda like asking "so you have burgers, and there's a Taco Bell over there that has Tacos, but can I get Tacos here at McDonalds as welll" Like they are the same places, with different names or something. So I act all stupid and say "wait I'm confused now" and I repeat what he jsut said to me. Are they Lazy or jsut stupid?

Well since I haven't written about my sex life in awhile I will catch you all up. I went on vacation to see the family, it was well needed, felt good. Parents got on me about not beign married and not having children, jsut a little. In Time, when its right it will happen I Imagine, or when pigs fly, since every man in my life has some sort of fuckin handicap.
The day before i leave for vacation, an old friend, married, 34, 3 kids, comes over, he takes me to the store watches me pack, and checks out the porn like he normally does that I have on puter. And I guess I did the wrong thing by bending down to pick somethign up, he started in on me, and for some reason I didn't want him to stop, DAMN my sexual drive! Damn IT! But goodness was it good. SInce he is an old friend he pretty much knew what I liked and how far he could go, he went all out basically, but pretty just wanted to satisfy me, and I will say he did, a couple times. How do they go home smelling like other woman? Should I feel bad for being a mistress? When its really the man that is doing the adultery, and I'm just going along with it for myown personal pleasure? I guess I should feel guilty since i have a part in it.

The day I got back, I talked to the Netherlands man, I'm so smitten for him. I wish I wasnt at times, but I guess its cause I know how his touch feels. This time we sat and talked before we actually started the sex part, it was nice, ok, I got him drunk, bad girl, I know. But we still talked, he wasn't that drunk, just a bit.. the foreplay was awesome like usual, but the sex was not so great, I dont think he was thinking of me. I'm not srue how to explain it, but everytime it started to feel good or it was time for another position, his Man would fall at ease. I know he is dating other people, wich means he's sleeping with other people, so am I doing something wrong? or is he just not that into me? it wasnt the alcohol, cause we tried again in the morning, and then later that next day after watchign mroe TV and talking. He stayed most of the day and watched TV with me, and we talked a bit. Maybe i need to impress him more with a home cooked meal, or maybe we need to go out and do something, I'm not sure.. am I jsut a booty call to him, I sure hope not, I look at the times we spend together as a way of getting to knwo each other..
Damn Men for beign so mysterious and confusing, and they say we are the ones from Venus.

I'm not ready to get married right now, I jsut want to know that a man wants me as much as I want him. I want someone to go to the movies with, soemone that will have sex with me 3 times a week if not more, and someone thats tells me "STOP dating and SEEIng other people,work on getting to knwo me, and only me for right now" and of course I would expct the same out of the man as well. I know I know thats too much to ask, shit the married men dont seem to have a hard tiem saying it.

I also met a new man, haven't slept with him.. cause I'm not that attracted to him, he's not ugly, he's average. 34, divorced, 1 kid doesnt live with him, doesnt live in the state, and not to mention he lives with my best friend(male). Hmm.. whats a good name for him, I guess we will call him my BF(best friend) Roomate. He seems to want to give me what I want, but if there isn't a physical attraction will it come? He is really nice and generally a nice guy, he's taken me out to eat, does breakfast count? and we have hung out now maybe 3 times. He curses alot, i guess I don't mind, he drinks about every night after he gets off work, and notjsut a beer, Captains Morgan and coke, is that acceptable? I'm not sure yet..

O and Did I mention the Bio-Chemist? well we are speakign again, in fact the whole time I was on vacation he was the only man i mentioned to myparents, that has to be a sign of some sort. But why in the hell wont he try anything? Even when i gave him the chance awhile back? Maybe it's time I spoke to him about it, and told him that if we don't at least get to 2nd base I'm goign to lose interest.

Ok enough blabbering, tiem for sleep time, i'm exhausted..

A Woman Scorn

2005-02-21T09:40:00.000-09:00

Quick Blog before I go to bed..
So I'm talking with the Netherlands guy,we are chatting casually.. I've got sooo much on my mind probably not a good time to be talkign to him. Some how, some way, he asks me what I want out of a man.. My answer after contemplating for a minute or 6 is "Security, Honesty, and Sex". His reply was "the right 'man' can and will give you all 3.... the wrong one will not, either 1 or 2 of the 3 but not all 3". So doesn't that just sum it all up?

So what I need is a better plan and better handcuffs..a Woman Scorn

Crest Whitestrips day 3.. still nto seeing the difference.

So do I know what I really want?

2005-02-17T05:58:00.000-09:00

So maybe I Don't really know what I want out of a man. Sometiems I feel like I could have a man around alot mroe often, but soemtiems I think that if there was one around all the time I would get annoyed. I let a wall down, and I'm starting to regret it, I did it too soon, with someone that I didn't know well enough. Have yoru own life, but can you at least let me feel like I mean something in your life? Well let's start counting how many strikes they all have. ALl what am i talking about, there's only 1 that I am seeing.. and am i really seeing him, or did we just have casual good sex? O well, he has 2 strikes against him now, and he probabaly doesn't even know it.
Where do you buy a chstity belt at anyway? Someone tell me so that I stop sleeping with these useless men.
So there I was.. walking around the mall, I had already bought what I went in there for, and I was just checking out other stuff that I couldn't afford. Perusing a Kiosk for Tub Armor, cause I need to redo my Master bathroom, and dont hav a clue where to start. The salesperson, or shoud we call him the Installer, cause he wasn't dressed or even looked like the typical salseperson, and says to me "Can I help you?" the typical question where your looking at stuff in the mall. I am thinking he was hitting on me, but was he just trying to sell me the tub, as we discussed my situation about my bathroom, he suggests coming over and giving me an estimate on what kidn of work he can do within my budget. So we set up an appointment, I didn't mention that I live alone, I just said that I would be awake at 8am, since I work nights. I cant tell all the strangers in the world that I live alone, I watch too much CSI for that,hehe. He was attractive, and had a really ncie smile, I'd say he was about my age, maybe even younger, and had no weddign ring on. He smiled alot while we talked. Who knows, I better clean my house before he comes over, but I have a whole week till the appointment.
I'm going to close this post to say that men are useless, and they are around to make the Woman feel more usueless.

Is there a Mister RIght? or do we settle for Mister Right now?

2005-02-16T13:07:00.000-09:00

Going on 2 a hour nap, I spend 2 hours getting ready to go run errands, pay bills,go to the store, all for what? Because some where, some one told me "You Never know where you will meet Mister RIght, so you must look your best even if your going to the store." Am I really doing it for Mister Right or Mister RIght Now? And seriously will I meet him at Wal-mart? Will I meet him at Home Depot, lord knows I've spent numerous hours in the lighting section checking out a cute Hispanic that works there. He asks if I need help about 5 times every time I am there, but does he realize he sees me about every weekend there at the same time, looking at the same lights with nothing in my hands to buy. And while I browse the mall to replenish on my mascara, am I really browsing for stuff to buy, or am I browsing for Mister Right? Most of the guys that work in the malls work for minimun wage and are usually too young for me anyway.
So here I go off to shop and spend money, so I don't feel so unimportant, and useless. Will I find Mister Right today, doutful, since I most men say nothign more than "Can I Help you?". What if I answered with a "Marry me so I don't feel so unimportant in this world." What would they do? More than likely Reject me for coming on so strong.

Who thought of this Holiday anyway!

2005-02-14T05:48:00.000-09:00

Well it's Valentine's Day, well it started about 5 hours ago Alaska time. I just got home from work,I plan on sleeping all day, I think. I was driving into work today and heard the DJ lady say something so sweet and sentimental, it fucking made me cry, Stupid Bitch! Does she not realize that there are so many people out there with NOBODY! I get to come home to my crying cat and snuggle with him, not that he doesn't love me back, cause he does. But FUCK this Holiday! And FUCK all those happy couples.
Do I start off with the good news or the bad news?
Well for starters.. The Alcoholic..Well he called me twice saying that he was depressed and drinking. WTF? Hello your an alcoholic..He already knew that I didn't like him drinking so I don't know he felt compelled to tell me.
I bought this book (He's Just not into you)threw Amazon, referred by Belle and a friend from work, and in it says to tell the truth, and not play games. So the Alcoholic calls and leaves me a message saying that I'm trying to avoid him cause I didn't call him back after 1 day. He knows I work nights,but I guess he was expecting me call him everyday since we had sex. grr..
So I call him back while on break at work, and tell him the truth. It's just not going to work out, for 1 your an Alcoholic, and for 2 you don't understand where I'm coming from when I say I don't want a relationship, and for 3 your just way too immature for me, Its basically just not going to work. No games no guessing, just straight and to the point. He asks for me to at least give him a chance, and he explains that he crys at night cause he has Nobody to come home to, or Nobody he can call to talk to about how bad his day has gone. Uuummm.. Hello you just described my life and lots of people's lives, but guess what Alcoholic,I don't like you enough right now to actually care about your life. Well you would think after telling him the truth and the facts that he would give up, but nooooo.. He calls back and leaves another sappy message on my phone, and then calls the next day to just talk and tell me that he is working again. WTF? The truth and the facts didn't help..

um... More bad news to ruin a fucking stupid holiday.. The EX .... He calls and leaves a message saying that he isn't ready to have dinner with me, he would rather do a movie.. You know I'm not sure how to respond to it,I just called back and left him a message saying, I was thankful for the truth, without the guess work,and that I still had stuff at his place that I would like to get, and basically I just told him that since he doesn't want to see me,just a quick reminder I still have belongings of mine at his place, so eventually we or I will need to contact him. But basically I don't know how to respond to him anymore.. Let him go.. That's what I need to do, but sorry if I spent 6 years loving him and giving him my all, the best years of my life..

well the best thing about the day was that I let a wall down, I asked a man to stay the night with me, I told him that it was a big step for me, but I don't think he realizes how big of a step, yep you guessed it the Netherlands guy, we talked online for hours and he came over after he got off work, so I had to stay awake until then, not that it was hard to stay awake, cause I was soo excited about him coming over.
this time was jsut incredible as the first, the sex is only going to get better i think, this time we were more into each other i think anyway.. i hope.. thats basically all i can do is hope that he is more into me each time, did i mention he has a tongue ring? i know i did, i want to describe his kiss, this is not the first tiem i've kissed someone with a tongue ring, but he does it in a way that is sooo magical..
he tilts his head to perfectly align his lips and mouth with mine, his hands wander all over my body threw my hair the entire time he kisses me. Ocassionally i open my eyes and see him staring at me as if he can see threw my soul, he has the softest most tender lips when they touch mine, ive never felt kisses like his, i moan from the heat and the passion that passes threw me when he kisses me, its as if our tongues are having sex inside our mouths, and rarely, very rarely does the tongue ring hit our teeth, but i will say its an exhilirating feeling to feel my tongue rub against his piercing.. jsut thinking about makes me want his lips on mine...

Later that same day.. we wake up at 6pmish.. i have to work at 9pm, i open my eyes to see him looking at me.. i coudl tell he didnt sleep well, i didnt either really, not sure why really, jsut felt wierd i guess on both our parts, but then again im not sure how many woman he has actually spent the night with, but he will be the 2nd man since i have broken it off with uumm.. you know who...and the other was my boss from work, and then i was jsut so plum tuckered out from all the good sex, that i did sleep good

Well im hoping that i get to spend more tiem with him,we have talked a couple times at work now, he seems to be getting more comfortable around me in public, he still looks down at the floor alot, jsut shy? or embarressed? nto sure really..

Well thats all i'm going to say for now.. im really exhausted need to catch up on my sleep.

2005-02-12T18:36:00.000-09:00

my true love

2005-02-12T18:35:00.000-09:00

dark elf

Internet Dating a DO or a DON'T??

2005-02-11T09:28:00.000-09:00

So in my last Blog I mentioned the VMS guy, well we will call him Netherlands Man, cause that's where he is from.I guess I missed that part when we were trying to get to know each other.Seemed when I mentioned meeting outside of work, he says "umm... well I'm kinda seeing someone since I sent you that first message", so I sit there dumb founded.. not sure what to say back. Technically thats not what I asked at all, he's not married, technically he's still single right? Well as I get to know him more, he tells me that he has met 4 woman threw online stuff, and one of them was his former wife? Is that not wierd or is it just me? So anyway.. as me and the Netherlands man get to know each other we talk about most everything.. but for soem reason every thing we talk bout usually ends up talking about sex, is it because Im horny, or is it cause he's a man, hehe. So the point of dating is what?
Dinner, Movies, maybe some drinks, and chit chat to get to know each other.. right?
So what do I do with this guy? I skipped all that stuff,and jumped into bed with him! WHAT THE HELL!! All I can say is I'm a damn Slut! Belle invent something to clamp my legs closed! well anyway.. the Sex was AMAZING!, did you get that just frakking fabulous, did I mention he has a Tongue ring, O YEAH!! seemed wierd to kiss him, but got used to it, he wore me out, or was I jsut tired from a long day at work?
So what do I do now? He did call the next day too if your curious,and has talked to me online a couple times since.But where will it go, who knows, but at least we got the sex outta the way.
My married man has called me twice this weekend,I think it mainly to see I will play the game with him,I mentioned him coming to see me,and I got a "I Don't know".. grrr
I talked to the Ex today, I asked him if we still had a chance.. and he gave me an "I Don't know". Damn these MEN.. What the Fuck is "I DON"T KNOW"

Sleeping alone again.

2005-02-08T08:57:00.000-09:00

Well time passes and I am still single and sexless. The married man with the 3 kids hasn't come over in about 2 weeks, and then he only came over for about 15 minutes. He was so pale and tired I felt bad but happy that he came over. He said he came over cause I complained that he never visited me and I could tell if we were to have sex something would go wrong, so I started out just cuddling with him, and he cuddled right back, it felt so nice to have his hands on me. Well I noticed that as I got closer to him and my leg showing and rubbing on him was making his manly hood stand to attention, probably didn't help that my breasts were coming out of my robe, that was loosely tied (ok I did that purposely). So I decided to just give him oral sex, he even warned me to stop, but for some reason I didn't want to, and let him finish. I told him that I wanted to show him how much I appreciated him coming to visit me, and that I don't treat all my visitors that way. He explained that it had been a long time for him, and that I do such a good job he couldn't hold back. Alas he is married and not leaving his wife and family anytime soon, not that that would be a good thing, but I can't help but want him when I see him.

Well I since it had been so long since I had gotten to spend time with my married man, I decided to give old fling a chance to weasel his way back into my life. Have I mentioned this guy before? He's 31, 1 kid, no girlfriend or wife, he was recently living with his parents about 25 miles away from me, and he is a alcoholic, I say alcoholic cause he has had his drivers license suspended for too many DWI's, and he's going threw the courts to get it all back, we will call this guy umm.... Alcoholic.. Yeah that's the nicest way to describe how I am feeling about him right now. Well since he has no license and I kind of needed to get laid, I decided to let him stay the night, since I knew that I wouldn't want to take him home really late at night, I hate to drive. I cant believe the first man I let sleep in my bed is him. We ordered Chinese food and watched TV, had sex twice, he came both times, tried his damndest to make me chum, but I guess I just wasn't into it, cause no matter what he did it wasn't going to happen. I explain to him that I am involved with other people and that I mainly use them for sex, but that I had wanted more from the married man, but could only have the sex. The alcoholic was talking most of the night about the same thing, how he plans to do this with his life and change this, and stop drinking and partying, and take care of things to get his life straightened out. I mean seriously, he's 32 got a kid, just got off 3rd party with his parents, and he's just now thinkign what he wants to do with his life. I mean seriously what does this guy think he can offer me? You know what he offered me.. let him and his friend move in with me, then we move out and get a bigger place. I had told him that I wasn't ready for a relationship and there he is thinking about our future together. grrr...
Can you believe the Alcoholic called me everyday after that for the next 3 days until I went off on him. He called me one day and left a message that he felt like having sex. EXSCUSE me but when did I say that I wanted him as a booty call? And one message he left he was at the bar having drinks with his buddies and he had like 6 missed calls, was wondering if one of them was me, sheesh, I know he has caller ID, shit, I know this cause he calls my home phone number, stupid me for calling him from my home phone. I dated him like 7 or more years ago, what the HELL did I see in him then? I can barely understand things he says cause of his lisp or his messed up teeth, or something, I'm not sure, but half of what he says I have to have him repeat. Grrrr....
At least the Korean realizes what I meant when I said that I didn't want a relationship and he calls and at least asks if I want some company, doesn't just straight up ask for SEX. I haven't brought myself to resorting to the Korean since the last time, I figured if it was that bad after the 2nd time it would just get worse.
Someone needs to make a trap for my legs so I can keep them shut.. even to myself!
My most peculiar Mademoiselle (Belle) has suggested I resort to just dating Monkeys. I would have less drama with them, but I explained that I have not had the proper training on monkeys. I think that's what they have reserved Chapter 4 for.
But Alas I have some good news! With all my failed attempts to meeting men, the same way I met the Korean, online, I met someone else. We will call him VMS, I will explain later why I call him that. I check my Yahoo Personals mail daily, and one day I get a message from someone that looks pretty attractive and he E-Mails me back on my real E-Mail address and tells me where he works. Turns out that he is one of the guys I check out on a daily basis at work! OMG he has a nice butt! O and he has a nice smile too. A week went by with 2 E-Mails back and forth till I let him on the fact that we work together, and we see each other everyday. We have been chatting online now for 2 weeks, we are pretty busy at work so we barely speak, we don't actually work together we basically pass each other in the halls. If we speak its brief and professional, but I will say that I smile bigger and he smiles more. Makes me wonder since it won't be a blind date, when will he ask for my number or ask me out? Or Do I ask him? Did I make the first step by telling him that we work together? I did speak to him first at work, I had to clarify if it was really him, so I asked him one day as he passed if he had a tongue ring, it was completely out of the blue, and he does WOOHOO!! Well I guess if we take it slow it can only be a good thing, he sure is cute and so far he can make me laugh and smile. And damn it he has a nice ass!

I still miss my EX. We are supposed to do something on Valentines day, I told him that I wanted to make him dinner, but I have a feeling that he is going to cancel on me.

Ugghh! Another Married Man, Just what I need.

2005-01-28T05:27:00.000-09:00

Instead of sitting at home I go out for some drinks with a former co-worker.Let me fill you in,he's married,34, 1 kid,and yes we had sex awhile back,we were both pretty drunk,and had always flirted at work.Well I had no intentions of sleeping with this man ever again,mainly due to the fact that he had ummm.. a rather small penis,and that he was not very good in bed.Like most men he tried his best to make up for it by being good in oral sex,witch was not bad,but didn't last very long from what I can remember.So anyway, there we were drinking at the bar and all the men around me were flirting and hitting on me,but they probably knew that I was there to see him.I had had enough alcohol and switched to coffee,but stayed for the fun of it,cause I was having a good time,he has always been able to make me laugh and smile.So during the whole night we flirted with each other, like we always do.So horny little me,invites him home. We get here and we start to talk and cuddle,I tell him that it is my time of the month and we might actually have to wait to actually have sex.I was intending of having sex with him,just because I was horny and I thought it would be just sex to us,but.... the plot thickens.
He tells me that him and his wife have filed for a divorce, my eyes opened WIDE. For some reason I was no longer horny.Well I guess it turns out that him and his wife have just grown apart,and he also found out that she had been having an affair for awhile with some other man. Well he tells me more shocking news,he has had a major thign for me for a long time now,and could not act on it, due to be married and all,and now he wanted to do something about it. He basically offered me the world,he wants to be the one to wake up to me every mornign and greet me when I come home from work,and take care of me and my cat.I'm attracted to him very much so,but the sex was not so great and in all reality the timing is not good.Is it not good cause I am jsut settling into the single life? Is it not good because we are both rebounding and vulnerable? Ugghh.. damn these married men!
Deep down though I wish it were the other married man that would say these things to me,and you know what I told the other married man what this one had said to me,and he told me to give it a shot and see where it goes. Damn these men!

Shy or Aggressive?

2005-01-24T09:28:00.000-09:00

Tell me what kind of person are you?Are you shy or aggressive?So I was woken up after sleeping for a mere 4 hours by a guy friend at the door.This is a guy whom I've slept with before in fact I had some real good anal sex with him the day after my birthday.Yes I said anal, cause we didn't have much anything else,well I did give him oral sex, but that is what I do best, and rather enjoy.It's been about 4 years or more since I had had sex with him,so the offer of anal sex with him,I had to take him up on the offer,cause I always remembered it being great.And just as I thought it was great,he isn't too big or too long, he fits just right there,and usually that type of sex hurts from most men.Well anyway,my friend,we will call him Wal-Mart boss cause that is how we know each other from years and years ago,he comes over and we talk for about 3 hours about anything and everything. This man is so attractive to me,but let me tell you, he has 3 kids and a good woman that he has had since I've known him,so I know its merely just a physical and friendship attraction that we have.We have hung out many many times over the past 6 or so years without the thought of sex coming into the conversation,well NO it's a topic, but its not something we have acted on until the day after my birthday,and I will say we had both been drinking and doing some happy smoke,so we were pretty worked up.Well after 3 hours of talking yesterday,I'm dressed and ready for work, and he mentions that sex would be good right about now for him?WTF why does he wait until the last minute to say something?Shy, not an aggressive type,I guess that's my category.But why do I always have to be the one to chase?I'm pretty enough that the man shouldn't be able to keep his hands off me.I wasn't going to jump him cause he told me that night after my birthday that he was happy with Roxanne, and he basically told me that he had allot of guilt for doing it.Then wakes up the week after and wants me to jump him?WTF?Men are soooo confusing, its obvious that I want sex pretty much all the time,but when a man tells me that it didn't feel right, what am I supposed to do?Grrr...

O' the married man,he has had excuse after excuse as to why he can't come over.It's been what like 2 weeks now that we have been together.Does he really think that this is all worth it, he probably does cause he is probably getting it at home,of course I don't ask that or ever mention his wife at all.We talk at work,and eat lunch together, and play our game almost everyday,but its not about anything serious,right now his head is in Fucking Football.I did tell him that we should just be online friends and that he just didn't have time for me,he was not very happy about that.

So I contacted my Ex-boyfriend the other day.I called his cell phone,it went to his voice mail, I didn't leave a message,but I'm sure it shows the caller ID number, and NO he didn't call back.I also sent him a long E-mail,it was a bit sappy,jsut a bit,I was mainly jsut telling him whats new,and that my life is plain and boring without him,shit it was plain and boring with him,LOL.Either way this way he knows that I haven't moved on,and that he still holds a place in my heart.Is that wrong to tell him these things?I want to give him his space,I truly think he will find someone else that he actually loves more than me,and it will take him sooner than it will me,I tend to put up a pretty big wall.

So Tuesday's are the days that my married man usually coems over, I wonder if he will coem over, I'll let you know..I must not get my hopes up,since he tends to let me down when i do.

Woes of Dating

2005-01-23T06:12:00.000-09:00

Well, still single and still sleeping alone every night married man admits that he doesn't want just the friendship and that he wants more,I tell him that its not fair that I sit around waiting to see him is just not right,and he doesn't know what to say to that.I know he is not going to leave his wife,and I'm not about to ask him to.All though it would not be so bad,I say this now cause I swear every man I meet is so not worthy of another date.Well besides my EX who doesn't E-mail me back or call me back when I've called him, ok so I didn't leave a message when I called,I didn't want to talk to his answering machine,I wanted to talk to him.Why though?
Either way.. Do I sit and wait around for the married man,well I gave in and called the Korean for a booty call.I will say that is the last time I do that.On NewYears the Korean blamed the drinking to not being able to keep it hard,what was his excuse this time?We had actual sex for about 5 minutes and then he goes limp? WTF? Do I put too much pressure on the man? Did he cum and not tell me, well I don't think that was it, because, get this.. Weird stuff.. Ready.. The Korean had to jerk himself off, while I licked and bit his nipples..WTF??Not to mention, he kisses way too much during sex, I like kissing don't get me wrong, but he's not that good of a kisser, so it doesn't do anything but keep my mouth wet,and my cheek, and my chin, and my friggin nose! I bet that he had masturbated before he went to bed and that by the time he came to my place he was spent.Either way, I should find me another booty call.Oh, and he got me a birthday gift, it was a very nice gift, something that I rather love and will keep forever, but of all the people I would have loved to get a gift from he wasn't one.Men just keep suprising me.What do I do about my married man? He's the only one that I've connected with and would want to see and do see every day, is it because I can't have him?

How Do you date a married Man?

2005-01-08T09:53:00.000-09:00

Somebody needs to help me out with this, not sure what to think or what to do. So the married man wants to spend more time with me, he mentioned to me that he is thinking of seperating from his wife and asked if he could have one of my rooms at my place. I Haven't had anyone spend the night at my place yet and he knows this, he also knows that I don't want any long term commitment right now. I haven't mentioned anything about a relationship to him, and the reason he wants to separate from his wife is that he has been unhappy for awhile, I guess that's obvious since he cheated her, but why is he now thinking about leaving her and his 3 kids? I of course told him that he could stay with me, but he would have to sleep in my bed with me, DUH! I'm trying to tell him that his family is important and that many times I wish I had a family and that he is lucky to have a family to come home to, but he tells me that he is not sure if his relationship with his wife is worth staying with the family, he loves his children and won't ever abandon them, and will pay as much child support as he has to, and still do what he can to take care of his family.

I like him a lot, and he treats me very well, he is really anxious to take me to the movies and on a real date. You think he just wants some companionship? He's been with her since high school, and he's now 28 with 3 kids, this would be the 2nd time he has been separated from his wife since they have been married. He says they don't fight, just don't do anything besides work and stay at home, and he wants more out of life, and I guess she doesn't.

Not to mention I play an online game with him every day and work with him on a daily basis, so we get plenty of time to talk and get to know each other. My work schedule is changing and I won't work directly with him, I am curious to see if he still wants to hang out with me at work now. He was going to try and quit smoking for his new Year resolution, but of course since I smoke that didn't happen, cause we go outside to smoke together and talk about us in private. At work though my days off changed and they just happen to be the same days as his, and I have more seniority at work, enough that I could probably change mine, cause they suck for days off. He wants me to keep my days off so that we can hang out more often, and I want a weekend off so I can go out on dates, and he really doesn't want me to date I guess.

I'm just so confused, not sure really what to do, he is so cute to me, I just want to eat him up!

Don't Tell me how to do my Job!

2005-01-06T09:13:00.000-09:00

I hate working graveyard shift sometimes, but somebody's gotta do it, right? Either way I had an interesting day at work today, I sure get tired of people telling me how to do my job, I wish I could quit and do like in Half Baked, Point at my co-workers and say "Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Your cool! I'm outta here" Let me explain my job without telling you exactly what I do, since I'm not allowed to talk about my job as it is "Sensitive Security Information". I work with the traveling public, and I will say that too many people have forgotten about 9-11. Shit they don't even remember things that happen a month ago, like the Russian Planes going down. Don't we all have jobs to do? Well let us do our job, I understand that some people with the same job as myself take it too far and take the power to their heads, and those people I say "FUCK YOU" for giving all of us a bad name. Not to mention I apologize for the people that work for the same company as me that take the power to their head. For all the grumpy travelers I get on a daily basis, there are about 5 people that actually appreciate the job we do. I have 3 more working days and then I won't have to deal with the actual passengers, thank God! But for all those that travel I say this to you " Take off your DAMN SHOES! "

Well enough about work, yesterday before I went to bed, my ex boyfriend of 7 years ago, sent me a online message, and me being the slut that I am, invited him over. Oh My God why does that man make me feel so good? We had sex for about 2 hours if not longer, and I will say it was some damn good sex, not the best I've had, but damn close.
Well its late or early however you want to look at it, it's 9:30am but since I wake up at 8:00pm to go to work, it feels late for me. So I am going to go pay some bills then head to bed.

Start of the Work Week

2005-01-04T15:25:00.000-09:00

Well it's my Monday, the start of the boring work week. Last Night the Korean came over, he is real cute, but really asian. I am not normally attracted to guys that are real asian, but I find as I have gotten older that looks are not all that vital anymore. Since I had already had sex that morning with my married man, I was sure not to let the korean get too turned on, but he had asked if I wanted company so I let him come over. The last time I was with the korean I told him that he was too clingy, is he too clingy or I am trying not to kiss him. I think he is trying to smother me. When I was with him last we went dancing on New Year's Eve and I swear he was standing directly in front of me holding on to me like someone was going to snatch me up and kidnap me, I mean come on it was our 3rd date, that seems like smothering to me. Maybe I'm just not used to it, I don't know. I've got the Korean who is way too clingy, then there's the Bio-Chemist who isn't clingy at all. I have been dating the Bio-Chemist for almost a month and I sware he barely touches me. The bio-chemist was the only one that got me a X-Mas gift and after he gave me the gift he said good night by kissing me on the forehead, WTF? I've called him twice since then and he has failed to call me back. I know he is busy but maybe He realizes that I want things to go jsut a little faster. I don't know what I want from him, probably just friendship with some perks.
Either way, time to go for now, got bills to pay.

First Blog Ever

2005-01-03T18:02:00.000-09:00

Well, most of my friends have Blogs, so I thought I would give this a shot. I'm 32, I'm attractive, I'm Single, I have a good job, and for some resaon I can't seem to find a man to marry me. I recently left my boyfreind of 6 years and now I'm living the single life. I am buying my first home all by myself, and its pretty scary. I've been real good though I haven't allowed anyone to spend the night with me. I've had some decent sex here, but nobody to spend the night.
Today I had sex with a married man, this was our 2nd time together, the first time he pulled the American Pie on me, he orgasmed before he even stuck it in. Today he couldn't keep it hard, it wasnt for lack of trying though, he said that it was because he was sick and tired, he did work all night, so the tired part might have been true, but at least this time he got it in. I told him that it was probably cause he was subconsciously thinking of his wife, or he wasn't attracted to me. Either way, what sex we had was pretty good, wish he would come over more often, the situation is probably the best thing right now, good sex with no commitment.

Well I'm going to end this for now, but in case you do read this, my blogs will probably be about my Sexual Encounters, I have to tell someone.