Letting Go
Letting Go
by Shirley
There's nothing but the good country surrounding me. The
moon is shining brightly over the tree tops and its reflection
on the water is such a beautiful sight. This is a perfect
place for two people who are in love ...
As I sit here thinking about all the time I have wasted,
just sorting out my life -- I never really realized what
loneliness was until you were gone. It seemed as though
things were going so good until one day you left without a
single trace. All of our plans for the future were
shattered. There was to be no more of you and I together.
You were gone, gone forever. I still remember the times we
shared, but slowly these memories are going too. One day
they'll be gone just like you ...
I'm trying desperately to find you and bring you back to me.
I dream about you every day and pray that you'll come back,
but it's hopeless. There's no use in pretending, cause deep
down in my heart I know you've found another. Someone to take
my place, someone who'll love you -- but never like I loved
you. And even though you've found another, I'll be true to
you, even though you've asked me not to ...
My life seems so meaningless now. I'm useless - why was I
ever placed on this earth? What purpose do I serve? None,
none whatsoever. People tell me that another will come along
and take your place, but where is he? Who is he? Sometimes
I feel like giving up on life, on love, on everything, but I
can't. My spirits won't let me. I must go on - with or
without you. The things that ever really meant anything to
me are gone - vanished - never to come back to me again. All
I have left now is my dignity, but slowly that is slipping
away too ...
I have to get a grip on myself -- I can't let this get me
down. Life must go on. Maybe it's good that the memories are
going, maybe then I can go on with my life as meaningless as
it seems now. I don't hold it against you because you left
me. It's like they always say, "Let him go and if he really
loves you, he'll come back to you." But it's not that
simple, now is it? The only way to having true love is to
realize that someday it may be lost. Believe me, I realized
that a long time ago ...
The funny thing about all of this is if you were to come
back - I actually don't believe I would take you back. I
don't deserve such pain and torture. If you left me once,
you could do it again ...
Goodbye, my long lost love - maybe we'll meet again some day.
I only wish I could write poems that good, mine would be filled with something along the lines of blood or guts..
But I will say when I read this poem it hit home, and that's how I feel most of the time..
Why do I wake up every morning.. how can I wake up? what am I waking up for?
Giving up..
Well, I've decided since my cell phone has gotten shut off finally, to just give up. I'll deal with the men that are in my life now and that treat me right. I took my profiles off the singles sites that I had online. The men that have my home number are ones that don't call all that often, and probably only 1 booty call that calls me. And that's the 25yr. old, and I've known since day 1 that he is just that, a booty call, I've asked him to go to the movies once, but it was out of complete desperation, and I even told him that, i figured we have been friends for long enough that he would say yes, but he didn't, so that was the first(and last) time I called and asked him to do anything besides sex.
On St. Patricks day, the 25 year old called me at home, unitl I answered, he knew I was off work, he called after leaving the local Meat Market (Koots). He was drunk enough.. so after the phone rang and rang, I finally picked up, he came over within the next 30 minutes. Sadly enough, I could have had a V8,why do I even go there? Anyway, I checked my cell phone messages the next day,and DAMN it if I didn't get another booty call, and that would have totally been worth it. It was my uumm.. my Boss (booty call) from awhile back, and what I mean by awhile back, is he hasn't called me since December 3rd. And I'm pretty sure he stopped calling cause he knew I was falling for him. He probably knew cause I told him. His message said that he wanted me to come over,(ofcourse) but he said that "we could make up" wonder what that's suppossed to mean? I mean I know he was drunk, really drunk, he had gone out drinking with the 25 year old, that night.I sent him an E-Mail earlier that week, he hadn't responded, but I basically told him in the E-Mail that I still wanted him... so maybe that was his way of responding to what I said. I Don't know, Shall I leave my self available from now on in Friday's and Saturday's? his days off?
I wish I knew..
Well.. I'm waiting for my knight in shining armor.. do I have fun while I wait? Or shoudl I just sit at home and feel sorry for myself? I'm sure my knoght will come eventually.. lets hoep anyway..
Letter to the Ex.
Vince,
I am pretty sure I know why you haven't called me back. I'm pretty sure you have a girlfriend or some one that is taking up your time,or someone that is on your mind. You were a very faithful man, and I'm sure your doing the same to her. Well to that I say "FUCK YOU", before I even moved out, we had that huge fight in the car, when you said that you were ready to be single again, and date, but you said that you didn't want to call it the end. Even when I was packing up and moving out, you still didn't want to call it the end. This song is for you...
"FUCK YOU" . After 5 years of living a life that I thought I had found my soul mate, my Husband, my life.. you wake up one day and say to yourself, that maybe I'm not the one? It then took you another 5 months to even tell me that. After you told me that I wasn't the one, I then said that I needed to decide what I needed to do, I found a place to live, and was ready to start my new life with or without you. Stupid me, thinking that maybe you would see the light and just move with me, I even told you that getting a place outside of your mother's house would make me happy for a few years and marriage would be on the back burner. What I didn't realize or want to realize is that, you weren't ready to grow up and pay bills, who knows when you will be ready to. When will you start paying your own bills? Your 30 years old, still living at home, your mother buys your food, your mother pays for your insurance, your mother bought your truck, your mother basically pays for the clothes on your fucking back. I should have known from the first date, since I paid.
Since we have been apart I've gotten settled into my own house all by myself. I can't say I'm completely happy, I still cry at night about once a month, but that's understandable, and liveable for right now. I went and saw my parents, and I see old friends, and they say that I seem a different person now, a happier person. Some say I still seem depressed, but that's mainly when I'm asked about you, and how I'm handling it. I'm good if I'm not talking about you. But I am happy that I am concentrating on ME, and only ME, making myself happy, being independent, that was one of things about me that you fell in love with, the fact that I was independent.
I don't need you, I still love you, but I don't need you. I'm happier beign lonely alone, than being lonely with you in the same room. If you never feel the love for me again like you did before, I will survive. If we never get the chance to dance again, I will survive. If you fall in love with someone else, and marry her, I will survive.
Do you ask for Tacos when you go to McDonalds?
Well do you? In the place that I work, thousands probably more go there everyday, yeah probably more, but I only deal with about 20 or so. And for some reason they are all Idiots! For all you idiots out there, I would suggest Reading signs, and looking around before you ask, and not to mention "Yes there are stupid questions." So this person asks me if he can have Taco's at Mcdonalds right, well I listen to his question, ask him to repeat it, he does and goes more into detail of what he wants, kinda like asking "so you have burgers, and there's a Taco Bell over there that has Tacos, but can I get Tacos here at McDonalds as welll" Like they are the same places, with different names or something. So I act all stupid and say "wait I'm confused now" and I repeat what he jsut said to me. Are they Lazy or jsut stupid?
Well since I haven't written about my sex life in awhile I will catch you all up. I went on vacation to see the family, it was well needed, felt good. Parents got on me about not beign married and not having children, jsut a little. In Time, when its right it will happen I Imagine, or when pigs fly, since every man in my life has some sort of fuckin handicap.
The day before i leave for vacation, an old friend, married, 34, 3 kids, comes over, he takes me to the store watches me pack, and checks out the porn like he normally does that I have on puter. And I guess I did the wrong thing by bending down to pick somethign up, he started in on me, and for some reason I didn't want him to stop, DAMN my sexual drive! Damn IT! But goodness was it good. SInce he is an old friend he pretty much knew what I liked and how far he could go, he went all out basically, but pretty just wanted to satisfy me, and I will say he did, a couple times. How do they go home smelling like other woman? Should I feel bad for being a mistress? When its really the man that is doing the adultery, and I'm just going along with it for myown personal pleasure? I guess I should feel guilty since i have a part in it.
The day I got back, I talked to the Netherlands man, I'm so smitten for him. I wish I wasnt at times, but I guess its cause I know how his touch feels. This time we sat and talked before we actually started the sex part, it was nice, ok, I got him drunk, bad girl, I know. But we still talked, he wasn't that drunk, just a bit.. the foreplay was awesome like usual, but the sex was not so great, I dont think he was thinking of me. I'm not srue how to explain it, but everytime it started to feel good or it was time for another position, his Man would fall at ease. I know he is dating other people, wich means he's sleeping with other people, so am I doing something wrong? or is he just not that into me? it wasnt the alcohol, cause we tried again in the morning, and then later that next day after watchign mroe TV and talking. He stayed most of the day and watched TV with me, and we talked a bit. Maybe i need to impress him more with a home cooked meal, or maybe we need to go out and do something, I'm not sure.. am I jsut a booty call to him, I sure hope not, I look at the times we spend together as a way of getting to knwo each other..
Damn Men for beign so mysterious and confusing, and they say we are the ones from Venus.
I'm not ready to get married right now, I jsut want to know that a man wants me as much as I want him. I want someone to go to the movies with, soemone that will have sex with me 3 times a week if not more, and someone thats tells me "STOP dating and SEEIng other people,work on getting to knwo me, and only me for right now" and of course I would expct the same out of the man as well. I know I know thats too much to ask, shit the married men dont seem to have a hard tiem saying it.
I also met a new man, haven't slept with him.. cause I'm not that attracted to him, he's not ugly, he's average. 34, divorced, 1 kid doesnt live with him, doesnt live in the state, and not to mention he lives with my best friend(male). Hmm.. whats a good name for him, I guess we will call him my BF(best friend) Roomate. He seems to want to give me what I want, but if there isn't a physical attraction will it come? He is really nice and generally a nice guy, he's taken me out to eat, does breakfast count? and we have hung out now maybe 3 times. He curses alot, i guess I don't mind, he drinks about every night after he gets off work, and notjsut a beer, Captains Morgan and coke, is that acceptable? I'm not sure yet..
O and Did I mention the Bio-Chemist? well we are speakign again, in fact the whole time I was on vacation he was the only man i mentioned to myparents, that has to be a sign of some sort. But why in the hell wont he try anything? Even when i gave him the chance awhile back? Maybe it's time I spoke to him about it, and told him that if we don't at least get to 2nd base I'm goign to lose interest.
Ok enough blabbering, tiem for sleep time, i'm exhausted..
