OMFG I'm not SIngle anymore!!!
I'm not sure if you read this at all Chad, but if you do, forgive me, but I'm venting..
So let's see here.. I met him around July 22ish.. I went to hang out and have soem beers with some guys from work, why.. well most of the people that I click with the most are men. So there I was with 6 guys and me. That's when I met "HIM", my knight in shining armor, the man that I've waited for my whole life, the man i was searching for, the man that should be my husband. Yeah your asking yourself, shit I ask myself constantly.. how do I know I feel this way after knowing him for such a short period of time. Most of the people you ask that are married, and truly happy, will say that when they met their spouse that they just knew.. after the second date, after the first week, and some have even said the first date. Ok so I pretty much felt it after the 3 day I met him. I really do believe that he is the one.
He has a blog on another site, I read it, and today was one of those days I wish I hadn't. Most of his blogs are tear jerkers, they literally make me cry, cause they are so heartfelt, so meaningful, so fucking romantic. Today's Blog was none of those, well meaningful, cause there is meaning by it. It has to mean something.. now I know why he was so distant when he picked m up from work, he wanted to talk about it, but couldn't. He probably kept himself awake thinking about it. You knwo and I now I have so many mixxed emotions about the whole thing, not sure what to think, but most of what I can think is that, I've been way too honest with him. He may go back out on the road for work and all. From his Blog it sounds like he doesn't trust me if he were to go on the road. You know.. if I was just 4 years younger, and not swept me off my feet, he may have a reason to not trust me. But FUCK! he has sooo swept me off my feet.. there isn't any way that I would ruin this. He's the man I want to marry, I'm not going to cheat on him. I'm not going to get weak. I'm not interested in sleeping with, having sex with, fucking or whatever, with any man ever again. I told him that he had nothing to worry about if he went out on the road, I told him that my life is completely different now, I have so many things that can keep me occupied that I don't need to find a man to have sex with. Shit I barely went out on dates before I met him, what makes him think that I want to now? How do I know that I can trust him? well I do trust him, I trust his love for me, I trust OUR love.. I trust the words he says, I trust him when he wraps his arms around me, I trust his kisses.. he was just as bad as I was in the past.. why does it have to follow me..
If you read this Honey.. I just want to tell you the same thing I have told you many times.. the reason I am Okay with you going out on the road is that I have so much time to wait for you, I've waited 32 years you, I can wait another year. I trust our love!
Not to mention " $$$$ "
and the " MONEY "
let me rephrase it " DINERO "
I wish I knew how else I could prove that I won't stray, How else can I tell you how much I love you. How else can I make you completely happy? You do this and more to me!!!
Time passes...
So still single, still lonely, still feeling worthless.Just a brief recap, still sleeping with 2 married men very very seldom. Still talking to, but it has been months since I've slept with the 25 year old,he has a small penis, and he is always leaving me hanging so I figure I'll keep him dangling in the wings in the case I get really really desperate.The netherlands guy left me on the curb,at least I don't have to see him at work anymore, since he moved to a different spot at work. So I'ev pretty much stopped fantasizing about him. I still seldom sleep with my boss from work, who isn't my boss from work, or even work with me at all anymore. I will have to think of a different nickname for him.My one girlfriend thinks he's a major pig, so maybe that will be his name. and he is kinda chubby, well he's the only man that I've ever been with that has weighed 200+, probably 250,and he's not real tall, just a big boy,played football in college and high school, and he is such a big-headed drunk, that he seems to fight when he goes to the bars.
As far as the ex goes, seems he has changed his phone number completely. I catch myself calling him about once a month, but this last time, his Nephew called back. Informed me that my ex got a new number,and had given him his old one.I find this very interesting.Did he do this so that I wouldn't be able to contact him at all? Did he do this so that some other girl would completely stop calling him? I figure that his nephew will tell him that I called the old number,and if he wanted me to have his new number he would contact me somehow.So 2 days have gone by and no contact of his number, so either way, he has stopped contact with me a long time ago. i'm doing much better though, I don't cry myself to sleep at all anymore.I did break down and ask his dad what i should do, his dad had the nerve to tell me to stay in contact with the ex,but not be too pushy and that maybe he would wise up and realize what we had.I don't know why somthing like that would give me some hope, do i even really want him back? As time passes and I get older I think that I want to settle down, get married,have kids, share my house with a man,share the responsiblites of my house and life with a man. Then I go out drinking and dancing and having fun,flirting with everyone, making other men jealous.. and I think, I'm still young, no kids, no obligations,I jsut need to live life and have fun.
I'm actually doing alright,my phone is starting ring more often. I have a roommate now,at least it feels like I am pulling myself out of some debt,I can afford to start having some fun again. I can also afford to start fixing things around my house.and doesn't interior design jsut make you feel all warm and mushy inside. Well as far as the love life goes, there is no love, but alot of clean safe, kinky sex... if there is anyone that makes my heart beat faster its my pig of a boss.
Unfinished
I wish I knew what it is that I do that drives the men away. I put my singles add back up, I jsut get soo bored at times. I got a lot of replys, I've replied to some of them, not all of them. Most of the replys are men that either have children, or are just too old for my taste. I met this one that is 33, no kids, and a camping type of guy. We met for coffee one morning,and from what I think, we hit it off , he even asked me to make plans with him again the next day. So the next day we went 4-wheeling,and hiking up to a glacier, it was a lot of fun, he made a prety decent lunch, he had even brought a blanket in the case we had a picnic lunch. Again, I thought we hit it off really well, we have a lot in common.
When will the Pain go Away!
I sit here and convince myself that I am over him, that I don't need him, that I'm better off without him. But why do I still think of him? And my thinking is that of loss and sorrow... Loneliness...
I find myself playing the game that I know he plays.. hoping that he will notice me? Keeping track of where he is at? Thinking that if he is playing the game then he's not with another woman?
What the Hell? Why do I Torture myself?
I've been good I haven't called him in about a month now.
Letting Go
Letting Go
by Shirley
There's nothing but the good country surrounding me. The
moon is shining brightly over the tree tops and its reflection
on the water is such a beautiful sight. This is a perfect
place for two people who are in love ...
As I sit here thinking about all the time I have wasted,
just sorting out my life -- I never really realized what
loneliness was until you were gone. It seemed as though
things were going so good until one day you left without a
single trace. All of our plans for the future were
shattered. There was to be no more of you and I together.
You were gone, gone forever. I still remember the times we
shared, but slowly these memories are going too. One day
they'll be gone just like you ...
I'm trying desperately to find you and bring you back to me.
I dream about you every day and pray that you'll come back,
but it's hopeless. There's no use in pretending, cause deep
down in my heart I know you've found another. Someone to take
my place, someone who'll love you -- but never like I loved
you. And even though you've found another, I'll be true to
you, even though you've asked me not to ...
My life seems so meaningless now. I'm useless - why was I
ever placed on this earth? What purpose do I serve? None,
none whatsoever. People tell me that another will come along
and take your place, but where is he? Who is he? Sometimes
I feel like giving up on life, on love, on everything, but I
can't. My spirits won't let me. I must go on - with or
without you. The things that ever really meant anything to
me are gone - vanished - never to come back to me again. All
I have left now is my dignity, but slowly that is slipping
away too ...
I have to get a grip on myself -- I can't let this get me
down. Life must go on. Maybe it's good that the memories are
going, maybe then I can go on with my life as meaningless as
it seems now. I don't hold it against you because you left
me. It's like they always say, "Let him go and if he really
loves you, he'll come back to you." But it's not that
simple, now is it? The only way to having true love is to
realize that someday it may be lost. Believe me, I realized
that a long time ago ...
The funny thing about all of this is if you were to come
back - I actually don't believe I would take you back. I
don't deserve such pain and torture. If you left me once,
you could do it again ...
Goodbye, my long lost love - maybe we'll meet again some day.
I only wish I could write poems that good, mine would be filled with something along the lines of blood or guts..
But I will say when I read this poem it hit home, and that's how I feel most of the time..
Why do I wake up every morning.. how can I wake up? what am I waking up for?
Giving up..
Well, I've decided since my cell phone has gotten shut off finally, to just give up. I'll deal with the men that are in my life now and that treat me right. I took my profiles off the singles sites that I had online. The men that have my home number are ones that don't call all that often, and probably only 1 booty call that calls me. And that's the 25yr. old, and I've known since day 1 that he is just that, a booty call, I've asked him to go to the movies once, but it was out of complete desperation, and I even told him that, i figured we have been friends for long enough that he would say yes, but he didn't, so that was the first(and last) time I called and asked him to do anything besides sex.
On St. Patricks day, the 25 year old called me at home, unitl I answered, he knew I was off work, he called after leaving the local Meat Market (Koots). He was drunk enough.. so after the phone rang and rang, I finally picked up, he came over within the next 30 minutes. Sadly enough, I could have had a V8,why do I even go there? Anyway, I checked my cell phone messages the next day,and DAMN it if I didn't get another booty call, and that would have totally been worth it. It was my uumm.. my Boss (booty call) from awhile back, and what I mean by awhile back, is he hasn't called me since December 3rd. And I'm pretty sure he stopped calling cause he knew I was falling for him. He probably knew cause I told him. His message said that he wanted me to come over,(ofcourse) but he said that "we could make up" wonder what that's suppossed to mean? I mean I know he was drunk, really drunk, he had gone out drinking with the 25 year old, that night.I sent him an E-Mail earlier that week, he hadn't responded, but I basically told him in the E-Mail that I still wanted him... so maybe that was his way of responding to what I said. I Don't know, Shall I leave my self available from now on in Friday's and Saturday's? his days off?
I wish I knew..
Well.. I'm waiting for my knight in shining armor.. do I have fun while I wait? Or shoudl I just sit at home and feel sorry for myself? I'm sure my knoght will come eventually.. lets hoep anyway..
Letter to the Ex.
Vince,
I am pretty sure I know why you haven't called me back. I'm pretty sure you have a girlfriend or some one that is taking up your time,or someone that is on your mind. You were a very faithful man, and I'm sure your doing the same to her. Well to that I say "FUCK YOU", before I even moved out, we had that huge fight in the car, when you said that you were ready to be single again, and date, but you said that you didn't want to call it the end. Even when I was packing up and moving out, you still didn't want to call it the end. This song is for you...
"FUCK YOU" . After 5 years of living a life that I thought I had found my soul mate, my Husband, my life.. you wake up one day and say to yourself, that maybe I'm not the one? It then took you another 5 months to even tell me that. After you told me that I wasn't the one, I then said that I needed to decide what I needed to do, I found a place to live, and was ready to start my new life with or without you. Stupid me, thinking that maybe you would see the light and just move with me, I even told you that getting a place outside of your mother's house would make me happy for a few years and marriage would be on the back burner. What I didn't realize or want to realize is that, you weren't ready to grow up and pay bills, who knows when you will be ready to. When will you start paying your own bills? Your 30 years old, still living at home, your mother buys your food, your mother pays for your insurance, your mother bought your truck, your mother basically pays for the clothes on your fucking back. I should have known from the first date, since I paid.
Since we have been apart I've gotten settled into my own house all by myself. I can't say I'm completely happy, I still cry at night about once a month, but that's understandable, and liveable for right now. I went and saw my parents, and I see old friends, and they say that I seem a different person now, a happier person. Some say I still seem depressed, but that's mainly when I'm asked about you, and how I'm handling it. I'm good if I'm not talking about you. But I am happy that I am concentrating on ME, and only ME, making myself happy, being independent, that was one of things about me that you fell in love with, the fact that I was independent.
I don't need you, I still love you, but I don't need you. I'm happier beign lonely alone, than being lonely with you in the same room. If you never feel the love for me again like you did before, I will survive. If we never get the chance to dance again, I will survive. If you fall in love with someone else, and marry her, I will survive.
